How I Know I’m Not in New York (Part 6)

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“Remus Unchained”

[Even more than my other conversations with Remus, this is essentially verbatim.  So you politically correct Americans out there, don’t send me any emails.  But, of course, being American, I apologize in advance if this offends anyone.]

Remus and I were in the office the other day.  We were waiting for a man who was hoping to sell us some products for a new business idea we had.  It was almost time for him to arrive.

“Hey Remus, let me know when that guy gets here for our meeting.”

“All right.  By the way, did you hear what happened to Mihai?”

“Not now, Remus.  We don’t have time.”

“Ok.  So do you know anything about this guy?”

“No.  He called last week and asked to meet.  He’s some sort of importer.  He represents a couple manufacturers and supplies those things we….”

“Wait a second.  My phone’s ringing….ok, that was security.  He’s here.”

“All right.”

“They’ll point him to the conference room.”

“I’ll get my things.”

“Yep, there he is.  He’s going into…”

“I wonder if I should bring….”

“HEY, HE’S A N****R!!”


“Yeah, HE’S A N****R!!”

“NO NO NO!!”

“Yes.  Yes, he is.”

“NO NO NO!  I heard you!  W-WHAT!!??”

“HE’S A N****R!  I’m looking at him right now!”

“For god’s sake, Remus!!”


“Sit down!!”

“What’s the matter?”

“Don’t shout!”

“I’m not shouting.”

“Remus, what are you doing?  You can’t say THAT!”

“Say what?”

“That word.”

“What word?”

“That word!  That he’s a….you know.  That word.  The n-word.”

“Why not?”

“Because….because you CAN’T!”

“But that’s what he is.  He’s a n****r.  Look for yourself.”

“No, he’s not.”

“Yes, he is.”

“No, I mean….ok….but no….just stop saying that.”



“What do you mean?”

“Are you kidding?”




“What planet are you from?”

“I’m from Romania.”

“Yes, I know, I mean, Remus.  Oh god!  Even here, you can’t say that.”

“Yes, we can.”

“No, you can’t!!”

“Yes, we can.”



“Remus, you can’t!”

“Why not?”

“It’s an awful word!”

“No, it’s not.  Not for us.”

“Yes it IS!  It’s horrible.  You know what it means!”

“Oh, we don’t care.”

“No, YOU don’t care.  But everyone else cares.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean the rest of the world cares!”

“Well, that’s their problem.”

“It’s not their problem.”

“N****r doesn’t mean anything bad here.”

“Stop saying it!!  And of course it means something bad here.  It means something bad everywhere.”

“No, it doesn’t.”

“Yes, it DOES!”

“It means black.”

“I know it means black.”


“So, well, NO, it doesn’t just mean black.”

“Yes, it does.  Negru.  Black.  N****r.”

“Stop it!”

“So, what’s wrong with it?  The guy’s black.”

“Remus, its literal meaning is not the point.  Not everything is literal.”

“I know that.”

“Words have more meaning than their literal meaning.  And this word has a LOT more meaning.”

“Not here it doesn’t.”

“Yes, I know.  This is Romania.”

“Yes, and here he’s a n****r.  That what he is.”

“Remus.  Stop it.  Stupid used to mean amazed.  And your stupidity amazes me, but the meaning of words change.….and, well, you just can’t say the n-word.  You just can’t!  I know you know that!

“You, my friend, are soooooo American.”

“That’s not the point.”

“Yes, it is.  Soooooo American.”


“You can’t even say the word.  N****r.”


“Look at you!  N****r.”

“Seriously.  Stop it.  Don’t do that!”

“I bet you can’t even whisper it.”

“Of course, I can.”

“Really?  Go ahead.”


“Yep.  American.”

“Remus, I can.  But I don’t want to.”

“Why not?  Who cares?  It’s just a word.  It doesn’t mean anything.”

“Remus.  Yes, it does mean something.  Look, you don’t have our history.”

“Well, that’s true.”

“So you don’t understand.”

“Oh, we understand.  I mean, we have them them here too, you know.  And they’re also from Africa.”

“Yes, but that’s completely different.  They didn’t come here as slaves.”

“Well, that’s not our fault.“


“You’re going to blame us for that?”

“No, of course not.”

“That we didn’t chain them and ship them here 200 years ago?”

“No.  You know what I mean.”

“So just because we didn’t have slaves, we’re not allowed to say n****r?

“I really wish you would stop.  Really.  I wish you would.”


“Come on.  This guy’s waiting.”


“Behave yourself.  Please.”

“Of course, I will.  Don’t be silly.”

“All right.  But you worry me.”

“Relax, will you?  Let’s go meet this negro.”

“Oh, god.”

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  1. Alexandra says:

    Very funny!!!!! Poor old Remus!! Poor you!

  2. Catalina says:

    Oh my God, my American boyfriend will love this! I have a friend who’s Azeri, her name is Nigar (I swear, saw her passport), but I cannot say her name to him :) He’s soooooo American

  3. blo says:

    :)) Perfect example for why first cousins shouldn’t have kids together.
    :)))poster boy for inbreeding :)))

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